"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went"~Will Rogers

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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Don't Get a Pitbull Satire?

This is supposed to be satire though I think there's truth to satire:

Don’t get a Pit Bull unless you have at least 10 years’ experience in the breed.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you’re under the age of 30 because you have to have financial and hormonal stability in order to cope with one of these dogs.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you’re over the age of 40 because you have to be young and strong in order to handle the breed’s strength and exercise requirements.
Don’t get a Pit Bull from a breeder because you’ll be supporting the misery and suffering of puppy mill dogs and you know you’d be just as happy with a nice pit mix from the shelter.
Don’t get a Pit Bull from a shelter because you have no earthly idea if it’s well-bred or descended from a long line of man-biters.
Don’t get a Pit Bull mix, like, ever since it might be mixed with chupa cabra and you never mix chupa cabra and Pit Bull unless you want to lay waste to a few dozen cities.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you have kids because they’re just too much dog to have around the young ones.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you live alone because the dog will be neurotic without a minimum of 5 people around it at all times.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you rent since it is impossible to get a landlord to allow this breed.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you live in the city because all the hand-walking in the world would never keep one of these dogs happy.
Don’t get a Pit Bull in the suburbs because legions of soccer moms will run you out with pitchforks.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you live in the country because there are just too many yucky bugs and these dogs have sensitive skin.
Don’t get a Pit Bull if you want it to be a companion for your current dog. Might as well get a wolf to keep your steak dinner company.
Don’t keep a Pit Bull without exposing it to other dogs because you will cause inner scarring on its delicate psyche and fail to fulfill its needs as a social pack animal.
Don’t keep your Pit Bull at home because it needs socialization and exposure to lots of different situations and people and stuff.
Don’t take your Pit Bull outside because the world is a scary place full of diseases and just ew.
Don’t socialize your Pit Bull around children because those things are just annoying.
Don’t expose your Pit Bull to too many different people because then you’ll never have a dog suitable for guarding your collection of rare vinyl albums.
Don’t crop your Pit Bull’s ears. That’s just cruel. How would you like to have your ears lopped off with hedge trimmers?
Don’t leave your Pit Bull’s ears intact. They just look silly and they might be at a disadvantage if they ever encounter one of those ear-pulling disciplinarian-type grandmothers. Or a bear.
Don’t neuter your Pit Bull before 5 years of age because you will rob it of vital hormonal juiciness it needs to grow up big and strong.
Don’t neuter your Pit Bull later than 5 months of age because it might get testicular cancer.
For the love of all that is good, don’t breed your Pit Bull. This is the canine equivalent of murder and jaywalking all rolled in one.
Don’t ever use a retractable leash with a Pit Bull. What do you think you’re walking, a poodle?
Don’t use a quick-release collar on a Pit Bull because its just not strong enough and the dog will surely break loose and wreak havoc.
Don’t use a spiked collar on your Pit Bull unless you really dig pain.
Don’t use a martingale-style collar. That’s almost as bad as a choke chain or a prong collar (which are both the Devil) and will surely throttle your dog to death if you turn your back. In fact, don’t use a collar on your Pit Bull at all because it’s just not worth the risk.
Don’t be so stupid as to leave your Pit Bull collar-less. Its, like, against the law and just, well… stupid.
Don’t put your name on your Pit Bull’s tags because then a stranger might read them and be able to call your dog by name, and everybody knows that a Pit Bull will never go with a stranger that doesn’t know its full and proper name.
Which reminds me, don’t use nicknames with your Pit Bull. The breed has an image to uphold, you know. While we’re at it, don’t ever put cute froo froo stuff on your Pit Bull, like bandanas or sweaters. Nobody’s fooled, and these dogs don’t get cold anyway.
Don’t register your Pit Bull with the city because the super-secret covert ops agents will swoop down on your home and carry your dog off in a black helicopter.
Don’t own an unregistered Pit Bull or you make baby Jesus cry.
Don’t thump your Pit Bull on the head. Not sure why anybody would need to be told this, but it’s sound advice at any rate.
Don’t play fetch with your Pit Bull because you will surely hurt its joints as well as the joints of innocent bystanders. Besides, it involves letting your Pit Bull off-leash which you definitely don’t do.
Don’t bike with your Pit Bull because they will eventually pull to the wrong side of a telephone pole and you will die.
Don’t own an untrained Pit Bull ‘cuz that’s just as bad as leaving a machine gun on your front lawn.
Don’t take your Pit Bull to group classes because it will definitely grab another dog and create massive media headlines.
Don’t show your Pit Bull in UKC dog shows because it will definitely break that silly little shoestring leash and wipe out the surrounding dog population.
Don’t show your Pit Bull in ADBA dog shows because we all know that those are just a cover for prostitution and drug smuggling. Nobody shows their dogs unless they’re into something illegal. I mean, duh.
Don’t weight pull with your Pit Bull because PeTA will so get you for that.
Don’t do obedience with your Pit Bull because these dogs just aren’t that smart.
Don’t do agility with your Pit Bull. See any above line about machine guns or mass genocide.
Don’t bathe your Pit Bull any more than once a year because you’ll dry out its coat, or any less than once a week because that’s just gross.
Don’t speak in any other language except English to or around your Pit Bull because that’s deeply offensive to their cultural heritage.
Don’t post on any Pit Bull-related message boards because the CIA, FBI, ATF and any other associated letter people will swoop down and take your computer, you naughty thing.
Don’t get any of that paraphernalia stuff (treadmills, springpoles, etc.) because, yeah, just because.
Don’t get a blue-nose Pit Bull because they are fake.
Don’t get a red-nose Pit Bull because everyone knows that red is recessive to black and without strong pigment your dog will spontaneously combust in the sunlight.
Don’t get a black-nose Pit Bull because those are just boring to look at. If you’re going to get a Pit Bull, you might as well make a statement.
Don’t teach a Pit Bull to open the fridge and get you a beer. They will eventually become alcoholics and you’re just being lazy.
Don’t leave a Pit Bull without a job to do, unless the only job available is beer retrieval.
Don’t try to explain the theory of relativity to a Pit Bull.
Don’t let a Pit Bull ride loose in the car because they will eventually ask to drive, and the breed can only legally drive in southern California.
Don’t let Pit Bulls ride in any vehicle manufactured by Chrysler as you would be trusting their life to chance and that’s just not right.
Do as I say, not as I don’t.
Don’t put your Pit Bull on a chain as it automatically qualifies you for inbred hillbilly freakdom.
Don’t let your Pit Bull live in the house because it will go to their head and it’s important to keep the breed in a constant state of submission.
Don’t dress your Pit Bull up for Halloween as they will surely be abducted when they go out trick-or-treating.
Don’t feed your Pit Bull high-protein food because they don’t need all that.
Don’t feed your Pit Bull food that costs less than $2.00 a pound, cheapskate.
Don’t feed raw foods to your Pit Bull because they’re genetically engineered to do better on kibble and blood makes them go crazy on a full moon.